Personal Overload
Do you believe in the three loves of your life theory? (1) The love that looks right (2) The Hard one (3) The Love that last? I'm one to completely believe that everything happens for a reason. The other only thing i know for sure is If its meant to be, It will be. If i believe the three loves theory, then i'm in for a long journey. i don't think theory means you only date three people your entire life... you just have three LOVES that make a difference in individual growth enough to end in one love that last. I'm not gonna spill on and on about some great reason for it all, just another opportunity to drive deeper in my past and subconscious. For my three loves names i have changed them to protect privacy... Their privacy.. not mine. I'm an open book for you.
1. Spencer
When I think about Spencer now, I go back and forth between first love and first attachment. We spent everyday together, our parents knew which meant we even spent time outside of school and summer together. He was the first guy I was ever sexual with and that meant a lot to me. It was also the start of some trust issues. He and I had this friend, her name was Marie. Marie was Spencer's best friend and I knew her from soccer. Naturally we got close but Spencer and her were so close they had sleepovers. This always rocked me, he would choose hanging out with her over me, even the night of our one year anniversary. I was smitten with him so when he dumped me I was too hurt. It was a couple weeks before our 8th grade promotion and there were rumors he liked another girl. They kindled their lust on the 8th grade trip to the East coast. ( I couldn't afford to go, which was fine to me ) Everyone on that trip knew and purposely kept this from me. I ended up closing myself off even cutting off a lot of friends going into high school. This was the first time I realized how much I pretended to be something I am not. I am not your typical girly girl, I didn't have the same interest as the girls I was hanging out with and pretended to not know they talked shit about me when I wasn't around. MY whole world was a facade and I was looking in. I went into high school a little cold and closed off. That all continued until i fell for...
2. Eric.
Eric and I have one of those relationships where all the bad now outweighs the good. Eric and I grew up together, only because HIS sister was best friends with MY best friends sister. We all hung out together since I was in 3rd grade. He was older... Oh la la .....but things slowly formed into something completely unexpected... We always used to wrestle like kids, I thought I was all tough cause I did jujitsu but One day I finally pinned him. We were so close and honestly, i don't know, there was a split second were i wondered what it would be like to kiss him.... so I did. We ended up spending the whole night making out and dry humping the shit out of each other. The next day, we didn't want people to know - Eric was older and even had a long term girlfriend... (oops). However..... After that anytime I slept over, we'd stay up until everyone fell asleep and maul the shit out of each other. During that time it was just something fun, I was a freshman. Someone fun to do and he was literally living in my bestfriends house😉 By summer vacation, Eric and his girl friend broke up and that's when things got HOT. By sophomore year I was having sex regularly, even sneaking out of my house to have sex. The reason there's more BAD then GOOD is Eric and i brought out the worst in each other. Not to point fingers but He had personal demons. Constantly breaking up with me then doing something to get me back, Degrading me, and the picking me back up when he wanted me. I SPENT SIX YEARS... waiting on this guy, praying he'd realize what he had. FINALLY, I realized how lost i was... I worked three jobs, i was distant, i was down and i wasn't making myself happy. I CUT HIM OFF. The most rewarding thing i ever did was walk away from him, that toxic love, the vicious cycle i brought on myself. Finding myself after that relationship has been the hardest thing ever, i still feel the ripple effects in my life. I learn how much i was willing to be blind to, put myself through, and what i could rise too from my own ashes. This experience allowed me to be so grateful and full of life I met...
3. Strength
I met strength while on the rise to seeing my potential. He literally came out of no where and into my life, stranger one day to best friend the next. I don't know how but i was vibrating on a different level and attracted this beautiful man, inside and out. He was authentic, strong, driven and SINGLE...what the fuck. I felt like i deserved this sweet man who swept me off my feet. I was terrified of getting hurt, falling so hard that id actually fall in love but again was on a new track in my life so i trusted myself. I was positive, uplifting myself and glowing. We clicked and dated from the beginning. Four months in I moved in and things seemed so solid. One year in and we aren't together anymore. I still love him. Its a different love than Eric, where i crave it or constantly feel despair. Strengths code name is strength for a reason. He encouraged me our whole relationship, he supported me the whole time. He grew very complacent and thought we needed to grow separately much sooner than I did. Not knowing myself enough and my boundaries well enough was my downfall, so the results were different perceptions and miscommunication . We both brought it to a boiling point, even decided to part ways. He fell in love with my potential and I fell in love with the potential! I have potential.. and i'm actively working on that. I'm a full, I am whole and I am discovering who I am. With that being said, Strengths true colors eventually came out. Three weeks after leaving and moving, He had a new girlfriend. The blonde - 18 year old- great value version of ME. I was so caught off guard seeing our pitty in another girls arms.. clearly naked. I felt something new break and it made me realize something really hard. I was in such denial that he had fallen out of love over 6 months ago, I realized I had not accepted he didn't like me.. for me. Surprisingly strength hurt me more anyone had. The lessons I learned AFTER the relationship is why he was placed in my life. He wasn't just complacent, He was emotionally gone. He told his friends for months " I want out but She helps with rent though" Considering EVERYTHING, EVERY DETAIL OF THIS YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP ( 8 MONTHS LIVING TOGETHER) I felt completely mislead by his intentions, heart & actions. Hurt beyond belief and now living in a lease with his name on EVERYTHING. My name on NOTHING. Literally in debt to him, forced to be civil till the end of the lease. Now I was extremely grateful but the night I found out he had a new GF, Sadly, I was so deep in darkness my friends were there to make sure Id wake up tomorrow. Strength decided to text me saying he understands my Insta subtweet but I better pay the bills. Again, Something broke that night I assured him he had nothing to worry about and asked him to never text me again, "ill text you type of thing. " As time moved on I ALWAYS paid bills on time, told them about notes and walk thrus ( Landlords didn't know he dipped ), sent him his things left behind including mail MULTIPLE TIMES cause he claimed he couldn't change his address. Really I was more civil than I should have been, everyone around me kept telling me I was too nice. The last week I was in the apartment Strength texted me everyday for his stimulus check, I was so done with it all i finally decided to stop being so nice and ignored every text. He then texted me telling me I HAD to send in the coxbox, I HAD to pay prorated rent for not leaving the first and I HAD to give him his check. I had already sent his check so I dead ass just blocked him. Moved out and left the remaining stuff that was his. The end. Lessons learned.
1. Spencer
When I think about Spencer now, I go back and forth between first love and first attachment. We spent everyday together, our parents knew which meant we even spent time outside of school and summer together. He was the first guy I was ever sexual with and that meant a lot to me. It was also the start of some trust issues. He and I had this friend, her name was Marie. Marie was Spencer's best friend and I knew her from soccer. Naturally we got close but Spencer and her were so close they had sleepovers. This always rocked me, he would choose hanging out with her over me, even the night of our one year anniversary. I was smitten with him so when he dumped me I was too hurt. It was a couple weeks before our 8th grade promotion and there were rumors he liked another girl. They kindled their lust on the 8th grade trip to the East coast. ( I couldn't afford to go, which was fine to me ) Everyone on that trip knew and purposely kept this from me. I ended up closing myself off even cutting off a lot of friends going into high school. This was the first time I realized how much I pretended to be something I am not. I am not your typical girly girl, I didn't have the same interest as the girls I was hanging out with and pretended to not know they talked shit about me when I wasn't around. MY whole world was a facade and I was looking in. I went into high school a little cold and closed off. That all continued until i fell for...
2. Eric.
Eric and I have one of those relationships where all the bad now outweighs the good. Eric and I grew up together, only because HIS sister was best friends with MY best friends sister. We all hung out together since I was in 3rd grade. He was older... Oh la la .....but things slowly formed into something completely unexpected... We always used to wrestle like kids, I thought I was all tough cause I did jujitsu but One day I finally pinned him. We were so close and honestly, i don't know, there was a split second were i wondered what it would be like to kiss him.... so I did. We ended up spending the whole night making out and dry humping the shit out of each other. The next day, we didn't want people to know - Eric was older and even had a long term girlfriend... (oops). However..... After that anytime I slept over, we'd stay up until everyone fell asleep and maul the shit out of each other. During that time it was just something fun, I was a freshman. Someone fun to do and he was literally living in my bestfriends house😉 By summer vacation, Eric and his girl friend broke up and that's when things got HOT. By sophomore year I was having sex regularly, even sneaking out of my house to have sex. The reason there's more BAD then GOOD is Eric and i brought out the worst in each other. Not to point fingers but He had personal demons. Constantly breaking up with me then doing something to get me back, Degrading me, and the picking me back up when he wanted me. I SPENT SIX YEARS... waiting on this guy, praying he'd realize what he had. FINALLY, I realized how lost i was... I worked three jobs, i was distant, i was down and i wasn't making myself happy. I CUT HIM OFF. The most rewarding thing i ever did was walk away from him, that toxic love, the vicious cycle i brought on myself. Finding myself after that relationship has been the hardest thing ever, i still feel the ripple effects in my life. I learn how much i was willing to be blind to, put myself through, and what i could rise too from my own ashes. This experience allowed me to be so grateful and full of life I met...
3. Strength
I met strength while on the rise to seeing my potential. He literally came out of no where and into my life, stranger one day to best friend the next. I don't know how but i was vibrating on a different level and attracted this beautiful man, inside and out. He was authentic, strong, driven and SINGLE...what the fuck. I felt like i deserved this sweet man who swept me off my feet. I was terrified of getting hurt, falling so hard that id actually fall in love but again was on a new track in my life so i trusted myself. I was positive, uplifting myself and glowing. We clicked and dated from the beginning. Four months in I moved in and things seemed so solid. One year in and we aren't together anymore. I still love him. Its a different love than Eric, where i crave it or constantly feel despair. Strengths code name is strength for a reason. He encouraged me our whole relationship, he supported me the whole time. He grew very complacent and thought we needed to grow separately much sooner than I did. Not knowing myself enough and my boundaries well enough was my downfall, so the results were different perceptions and miscommunication . We both brought it to a boiling point, even decided to part ways. He fell in love with my potential and I fell in love with the potential! I have potential.. and i'm actively working on that. I'm a full, I am whole and I am discovering who I am. With that being said, Strengths true colors eventually came out. Three weeks after leaving and moving, He had a new girlfriend. The blonde - 18 year old- great value version of ME. I was so caught off guard seeing our pitty in another girls arms.. clearly naked. I felt something new break and it made me realize something really hard. I was in such denial that he had fallen out of love over 6 months ago, I realized I had not accepted he didn't like me.. for me. Surprisingly strength hurt me more anyone had. The lessons I learned AFTER the relationship is why he was placed in my life. He wasn't just complacent, He was emotionally gone. He told his friends for months " I want out but She helps with rent though" Considering EVERYTHING, EVERY DETAIL OF THIS YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP ( 8 MONTHS LIVING TOGETHER) I felt completely mislead by his intentions, heart & actions. Hurt beyond belief and now living in a lease with his name on EVERYTHING. My name on NOTHING. Literally in debt to him, forced to be civil till the end of the lease. Now I was extremely grateful but the night I found out he had a new GF, Sadly, I was so deep in darkness my friends were there to make sure Id wake up tomorrow. Strength decided to text me saying he understands my Insta subtweet but I better pay the bills. Again, Something broke that night I assured him he had nothing to worry about and asked him to never text me again, "ill text you type of thing. " As time moved on I ALWAYS paid bills on time, told them about notes and walk thrus ( Landlords didn't know he dipped ), sent him his things left behind including mail MULTIPLE TIMES cause he claimed he couldn't change his address. Really I was more civil than I should have been, everyone around me kept telling me I was too nice. The last week I was in the apartment Strength texted me everyday for his stimulus check, I was so done with it all i finally decided to stop being so nice and ignored every text. He then texted me telling me I HAD to send in the coxbox, I HAD to pay prorated rent for not leaving the first and I HAD to give him his check. I had already sent his check so I dead ass just blocked him. Moved out and left the remaining stuff that was his. The end. Lessons learned.
Moral of the story. I don't believe in the whole three loves theory. I believe you have give & learn different life lessons every experience you receive. Those who are lucky experience an actual partner ship and spend their lives together experiencing life together. I dont know if that means if i believe in soul mates or monogamy. I just think my soul is searching for what it knows is out there. MY reincarnated love <3
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